Every Breath You Take

What?? I haven't been avoiding you. I don't know what you're talking about. What text? It's probably just my phone...it's been acting up lately. In the parking lot? No I didn't see you flailing your arms like a crazy person trying to get my attention...are you sure it was even me? No, I don't go to that Albertsons...in fact, I don't grocery shop at all...don't really believe in it.Email you say? What is this email of which you speak? Outside of my apartment? Could see my feet under the door?

Huh, that's odd. I don't recall any of this, but ,oh, would you look at the time! I'd love to catch up, but wouldn't you know I've gotta get to the space center. Yeah, I've been chosen along with a few other lucky individuals to break in a new city that was built in outer space. They say I won't be back for a good 10 years, so yeaaahhh...but it was sure nice seeing ya!
OK, enough fooling around. I know you feel like I've been dodging you....not returning your phone calls, not blogging, even taking down previous blog posts for a while, but it's not you, it's me. I've been flying under the radar lately. What? Will I tell you why? No! Not yet anyway, but don't worry, I promise you'll reap the benefits of this mystery one day and besides, I do have some good news to share with you. I want to get back together! And you thought you were free of my neurosis forever.
So gather round children because I have a scary story just for you. It is almost Halloween after all *Cue Creepy Laugh*


.


"I know someone I think you might like,"the text read.
"Oh yeah?" I replied."Yeah, he's a firefighter, goes to my church...really sweet guy."
"Ooh firefighter huh?? How old, how tall, cute??" Yes, I asked how tall he was. Now some of you may be thinking at this moment, "How shallow! For shame!" And to you I say, shutty.

I don't feel bad at all about wanting the guy to be taller than me. It's a matter of safety really. I went out with a short guy once. I remember I had a hard time enjoying the evening because I spent a considerable amount of time sizing up the creepy bystanders who had shown up in Old Town that night. Looking down at my date confirmed if the shat hit the fan, I'd have to be the one to man up. Luckily he was light enough to be used as a weapon.

"He's 27, about your height...a little taller and VERY cute."
"Well, hook it up!"Now normally I'm not a big fan of being set up, but it had been about a month since the breakup from hell, and as any good rebounder will tell you, the rule of thumb which just so happens to be rule number six for those of who have been following along is: After a bad breakup, you must date anything with legs just to prove you're over it. So bring on the carnies!

It was about two or three days later that I received the lazy man's version of "Hi" otherwise known as "the friend request." Why of course I'd love to be your friend person that I don't even know. You'll be added to my list of 375 other friends whom I can barely remember. Welcome.

"Hey, how's it going? Beth said that I should say what up. She thinks we might hit it off." I know this is a normal practice, but I always think it's odd when someone you don't know asks you "How's it going?" One time, just for fun, I want to come back with a "Terrible!" Then I'd continue with some long drawn-out story about someone they've never met and ask them for their advice and whether or not the relationship is worth saving. I think you should try it too.

"It's going good. Yeah, Beth told me the same thing." From there we began the standard back-and-forth, get-to-know-you messages made possible by the Facebook inbox. At first the conversation was normal enough – what he did for a living, what he liked to do for fun, favorite food etc. Then apparently he felt it was time for disclosures.

"I was married briefly until the bitch cheated on me and ruined my life."
Suuuurprisee!!
"I had a lot of anger at the time and it took me a while to get over it."

You know that commercial that uses the terms "upgrade" and "downgrade"? For 50 points, which one is this? Ding ding ding! Just for that you get a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup – pumpkin edition. Be sure to brush your teeth before bed.










So, no, I wasn't thrilled by this revelation, but I figured, hey, he'd been cheated on, not his fault and understandable why he'd be angry. No need to get off the ride yet...let's see where this goes.

"I'm sorry to hear that," I wrote.
"Thanks."
"I'm glad to hear you're doing better though."
"Yeah, well, the girl I started dating after my divorce really solidified that I needed help with my anger."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, after we had been dating for a few months she started telling me that I was too clingy and needed to give her some space. Then I started sending her really awful text messages saying really mean things which caused her to file a restraining order."


"I see..."

At this point survival techniques started flashing in my head:
Don't run or he'll chase you.
Stomp your feet and clap your hands.
Make yourself look as big as you can. Put your arms over your head and stretch pieces of clothing between your hands.
Yell fire. No one ever responds to help.
Follow the stream, always follow the stream.
And for God's sake, no sudden movements!

"Well, I'm not sure if Beth told you this, but I'm not really looking to date anyone right now. I just got out of a relationship and really just want to be friends more than anything else." Not bad right? I thought Bear Grylls would applaud my approach – it's not you, it's me...lowered the boom softly...short and sweet.

"Sure, I understand. No hard feelings."

Phew! That could have been....*text message received* :Hey Jenna, it's Crazy McCrazy. Want to meet up later?:

Eeer...uh...huh? Maybe I wasn't clear.

:Hey, thanks for the offer, but I'm kind of busy all the time lately, so I probably won't be able to hang out: There. That should do ....*text message received* :That's cool. So tomorrow then?:

Apparently plan A wasn't working, so it was on to plan B: Ignore all texts and fall off the face of the planet. *Text message received* La la la, I don't hear you. *Text message received* La la la, I'm not listening.

You would think after say maybe a month of this that he would get the hint, right? Wrongo! This creeptastic practice of sending messages into the atmosphere went on for over four months! He had formed an entire relationship without any cooperation. One day we'd be in a good place and he'd be congratulating me on passing a test or something (he knew about this because I was afraid to delete him from Facebook...didn't want to send Norman Bates over the edge), and the next day he'd be mad at me and tell me he was never going to speak to me again.

At one point he deleted me from Facebook and promised never to bother me again only to send me a friend request a month later. Can you say psycho!?!?

Like most terrible relationships, ours finally came to an end on the happiest day of the year – Valentine's Day. I received a heartwarming text from my special little Valentine that lover's evening letting me know how much he cared. Now luckily, I happened to be visiting my brother (yeah, nothing says "I'm cool" like hanging out with your sibling on a couple's holiday).

"Ugh, this creep won't stop texting me," I complained.
"Oh yeah? Let me see your phone."

:Hi, who's this?: My brother wrote.
:What do you mean who's this? It's Crazy McCrazy:
:I think you've go the wrong number, bro. I just got this phone number, and, I'm a dude.:
:Oh, sorry man. Have a good night:

And that was the end of it. Apparently Crazy McCrazy had about as much investigative prowess as Trusty from "Lady and the Tramp." Don't you just hate/love when someone comes along and solves a problem that's been bothering you for months with the greatest of ease?? Yeah, me too.

P.S. Happy Halloween!!