I know it’s been over a month, and I could give a lot of excuses, but I won’t… because doing so would only serve to belittle you that much more. Instead, I’m just going to say…
Welcome to another rousing round of “Adventures in Dating!!!”
I’m going to fast forward a little from our last episode to a more recent escapade. Never fear, I’ll be sure to cover my version of Mr. Big at some point, but now isn't the time. By the way, not to spoil the ending or anything, but unlike Carrie and Big, we don’t end up together in the end with each having learned from our mistakes culminating with an “ah-ha moment” at a local diner surrounded by friends. No, no, our ending did include an ah-ha moment but it was solely on my end when I realized ah-ha! He’s a total tool!
But more on the tool later. Today, we cover a gentleman who affectionately became known around my office as Coffee Guy.
OK, so in order for you to understand how Coffee Guy and I even met, you'll have to have a clear picture of where I work. My office just happens to be the only office in a location normally reserved for shops and restaurants at a popular resort. I sit in the front of the office behind a glass door where I'm on display from 9-5 like a monkey at your local zoo. For this reason, and this reason alone, I recently gave up eating bananas at work; I figure, why perpetuate the stereotype. I have a brain darn it!
There are some interesting perks that come with my office location: 1) I've perfected the pageant wave...as in, I've got that sucker down to a science. Not to brag or anything, but Miss America might think twice about meeting up with me in a dark alley
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2) In order to avoid having my picture taken by Asian men, I've become master of the "duck and cover." Yes, it's a phenomenon I don't quite understand either, but male, Asian tourists seem to feel the need to take a picture of the white girl behind the glass. Part of me thinks that somewhere down the line I'll be recognized for my stellar performance in "Crouching Hooker, Hidden Pimp", but let's hope not.
3) People I don't know seem to know me in the "I've seen you behind the glass" kind of way, and it's this final perk (pun intended) that led me to meet Coffee Guy.
It was a typical work week. There I was sitting behind my desk typing away on my little laptop when all of a sudden, the fourth wall was breached and a tall, dark and kind-of-handsome man entered my office. He didn't say a word, but left a grande java on my desk and like a fart in the wind disappeared just as quickly as he had come.
"Who was that?" asked my coworker. "Ya got me," I said.
And so continued this dance for weeks. Like clockwork, once a week, there he'd be, hot beverage in hand.
After about the third cup, I figured one of us was going to have to say something, so being the confident woman that I am, I went out on a limb and said "Hi." Victory. He responded with an equally clever "Hello." The lines of communication had been opened.
After that we began having actual mini conversations - all of which were preceded by a hot drink. I think he thought it was the price of entry; no one was allowed to talk to the monkey unless they came bearing its favorite beverage.
Little did he know that the monkey was secretly dumping out most of the drinks when he wasn't looking. He obviously didn't know the monkey very well because if he did, he would have known that she likes plain, old coffee and fluffy, chocolaty drinks make the monkey's middle expand. The monkey could never tell him this though, because really, it's the thought that counts.
After about three months (ridiculous, right?), he finally asked me out on a lunch date. At this point, the entire office was in on it and I was heartily encouraged to go. Now, I'm not going to lie; it wasn't the most thrilling date I've been on, but it was pleasant enough and I figured maybe somewhere down the road some sparks would develop if I willed it enough.
Lesson 4: You can wish upon every star, throw a gazillion pennies into a fountain, and blow candles out until you're blue in the face, but if you're not attracted to somebody, it ain't ever gonna happen, so give it up.
Unfortunately, my own lesson was lost on me at that time, and so the pattern continued for months with many a fluffy coffee drink paying the ultimate price. Fortunately, coffee was the only casualty - no ice cream or cake was harmed in the making of this pseudo relationship as there was no opportunity for dessert since we only went on the one date. Yes, that's right, just the one. Strange right? He continued to bring me coffee, would be leaving the office the same time as I was on a Friday night, heck, we even parked next to each other one time, but he never suggested a second date.
Lesson 5: Lunch dates are a sure sign the guy is married.
Having my suspicions that lesson numero cinco was in play, I decided to do what any normal girl would do - a background check. Don't you just love the internet! Without a last name (no we hadn't progressed that far), I used the next best thing - his license plate number. There we were, my boss and I, huddled over the computer like Nancy Drew and Angela Lansbury determined to solve the case. All the information had been entered, and by all I mean his seven digit license number, we pressed "enter" and waited with bated breath...
"For Only $19.95 You Can Run a Background Check" the screen said. "Well, " my boss asked, "Do you want to do it?"
"Eh, I'm not really even attracted to him. I'll save my 20 bucks." And so ended that relationship.
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