Hello! It’s me again returning with yet another rousing tale of “Adventures in Dating!” In case you’re wondering why I made the title big like that, it’s because in my brain I picture a vintage radio announcer saying it in a very dramatic, 1940’s fashion. Kind of like this… http://www.oldtimeradiofans.com/old_radio_commercials/Old_Spice.mp3
On a side note, if you ever want to have ridiculous amounts of fun, Google “1940s Radio Commercials.” By the time you’re done, you’re ready to support the war, buy Pepsi and make Aunt Jemima pancakes. All in all a good time.
OK, now where were we? Ah yes…the fine, young gentlemen that have inspired this blog. On the last episode of “Adventures in Dating,” we met Mr. Holier Than Thou, the pseudo-pious, tip-one-upper extraordinaire. It was around the same time that I had my few, head scratching encounters with Mr. Holier that our next subject entered the picture. OK, fine. It was the exact same time. In fact, I actually had two dates in one day – the only time in my life this has ever happened also known as...the… day… I… was… The Man! Figuratively speaking, of course.
Having always loved the world of cinema, I would often try to nurture my passion by frequenting the local Blockbuster. Ah yes, similar to the Louvre, its artistic selection was unsurpassed. Would I indulge in a little comedic entertainment and rent “The Great Outdoors” for the 27th time, or connect to my more dramatic side with “Fried Green Tomatoes”? The possibilities were endless!
He was a Blockbuster clerk and I was a movie buff; it was the perfect storm. He first noticed me at the young age of 16. Over time, his interest became more and more clear to me as he would always make a point to gently hand me my movie and whisper in his most sultry tone, “Be kind….rewind.” At first I thought he just really liked the vhs tapes, but being the savvy young lady that I was, I eventually caught on.
In describing him, I’d be remiss not to mention the twinkle in his eye. He always had it no matter when I saw him, and it’s the first physical trait that pops into my mind looking back. In doing a little research for this posting, I discovered that this twinkle is caused by an involuntary, very wide dilation in the eye when a person experiences an intense physical attraction to someone. So, FYI, if you ever happen to see that little glimmer, be aware, they’re totally mackin’ on ya, or, their eye could just be watering in which case trying to make out with them would probably be a bad idea. Anyways…
Complimenting his big, brown twinkly eyes was his dark wavy hair and always stylish blue, Blockbuster polo shirt and khakis. He was of average height and build, and come to think of it, had he been wearing a red Tommy Bahama button down, he would have looked a lot like this guy.
Funny how that happens.
Given I was only 16 and he was 21, he did what all upstanding young men with only the best intentions do – he waited till I was legal. Yep, I’m pretty sure there was a calendar in the back room that had Xs counting down the days until I turned 18 because boy oh boy was he Johnny on the Spot as soon as that birthday came a callin’.
It started off harmless enough. “Elf.” What’s menacing about “Elf”? Nothing! That’s what. I mean look at him.
Any guy that would ask me to a cute, heartwarming holiday film like “Elf” where the most offensive language used is cottonheadedninnymuggins has got to be a boy scout, right? A choir boy even. Wrongo!
Lesson three* provided by Sun Tzu, himself: The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
Johnny on the Spot was more cunning than I could have imagined! Who knew in between cleaning out the popcorn machine and charging exorbitant late fees that he was taking time to study “The Art of War”? A worthy advisory to be certain.
His strategy had worked. I was subdued: completely unaware of the actual person he was.
Following the movie, we went to grab a cup of coffee at the hip Starbucks in town; to this day, still the best Starbucks I’ve ever been to. It’s off of Rancho California Road in Temecula if you’re ever in town.
Sipping our coffee we started off by talking about the movie:
On a side note, if you ever want to have ridiculous amounts of fun, Google “1940s Radio Commercials.” By the time you’re done, you’re ready to support the war, buy Pepsi and make Aunt Jemima pancakes. All in all a good time.
OK, now where were we? Ah yes…the fine, young gentlemen that have inspired this blog. On the last episode of “Adventures in Dating,” we met Mr. Holier Than Thou, the pseudo-pious, tip-one-upper extraordinaire. It was around the same time that I had my few, head scratching encounters with Mr. Holier that our next subject entered the picture. OK, fine. It was the exact same time. In fact, I actually had two dates in one day – the only time in my life this has ever happened also known as...the… day… I… was… The Man! Figuratively speaking, of course.
Having always loved the world of cinema, I would often try to nurture my passion by frequenting the local Blockbuster. Ah yes, similar to the Louvre, its artistic selection was unsurpassed. Would I indulge in a little comedic entertainment and rent “The Great Outdoors” for the 27th time, or connect to my more dramatic side with “Fried Green Tomatoes”? The possibilities were endless!
He was a Blockbuster clerk and I was a movie buff; it was the perfect storm. He first noticed me at the young age of 16. Over time, his interest became more and more clear to me as he would always make a point to gently hand me my movie and whisper in his most sultry tone, “Be kind….rewind.” At first I thought he just really liked the vhs tapes, but being the savvy young lady that I was, I eventually caught on.
In describing him, I’d be remiss not to mention the twinkle in his eye. He always had it no matter when I saw him, and it’s the first physical trait that pops into my mind looking back. In doing a little research for this posting, I discovered that this twinkle is caused by an involuntary, very wide dilation in the eye when a person experiences an intense physical attraction to someone. So, FYI, if you ever happen to see that little glimmer, be aware, they’re totally mackin’ on ya, or, their eye could just be watering in which case trying to make out with them would probably be a bad idea. Anyways…
Complimenting his big, brown twinkly eyes was his dark wavy hair and always stylish blue, Blockbuster polo shirt and khakis. He was of average height and build, and come to think of it, had he been wearing a red Tommy Bahama button down, he would have looked a lot like this guy.
Funny how that happens.Given I was only 16 and he was 21, he did what all upstanding young men with only the best intentions do – he waited till I was legal. Yep, I’m pretty sure there was a calendar in the back room that had Xs counting down the days until I turned 18 because boy oh boy was he Johnny on the Spot as soon as that birthday came a callin’.
It started off harmless enough. “Elf.” What’s menacing about “Elf”? Nothing! That’s what. I mean look at him.
Any guy that would ask me to a cute, heartwarming holiday film like “Elf” where the most offensive language used is cottonheadedninnymuggins has got to be a boy scout, right? A choir boy even. Wrongo!
Lesson three* provided by Sun Tzu, himself: The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
Johnny on the Spot was more cunning than I could have imagined! Who knew in between cleaning out the popcorn machine and charging exorbitant late fees that he was taking time to study “The Art of War”? A worthy advisory to be certain.
His strategy had worked. I was subdued: completely unaware of the actual person he was.
Following the movie, we went to grab a cup of coffee at the hip Starbucks in town; to this day, still the best Starbucks I’ve ever been to. It’s off of Rancho California Road in Temecula if you’re ever in town.
Sipping our coffee we started off by talking about the movie:
“Wasn’t Will Ferrell hilarious?” I asked.
“Yeah, the fight scene with the raccoon was the best!”
Etc., etc. Then it was on to the usual first date conversation: Where we had grown up, our families, what we wanted to do in the future, but somewhere along the line, the conversation took a strange turn.
Somehow the topic of his former partners came up. Now remember, although I’m the same woman who was on my second date for that day, this was also the only second date of my entire life. I was home schooled, people. To say I was sheltered is a bit of an understatement, so to all of a sudden be listening to things I had only heard on “Loveline” with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla when the family had all gone to sleep, was jarring beyond belief.
Apparently he wasn’t getting the hint because he proceeded to lower the boom on me – the final body count.
“Eight.”
“Eight!? How old are you again?" I asked.
“23.”
Then I remember him giving me this look as if to say I could be lucky number nine. Uh, yeah, nothing I like more than STDs!
When he dropped me off all I could think was, “Please don’t touch me, please don’t touch me.” That was the last time I saw or spoke to him; although he did call and leave a couple of messages on my phone – one asking me to go to Vegas with him. Apparently his friend had a “sweet pad” with plenty of air mattresses. Score!
Alright, kids. It’s participation time! Have you ever dated a lewd Leona or Lecherous Leonard?
*For lessons one and two, see blog numero uno: Come to Jesus.
“Yeah, the fight scene with the raccoon was the best!”
Etc., etc. Then it was on to the usual first date conversation: Where we had grown up, our families, what we wanted to do in the future, but somewhere along the line, the conversation took a strange turn.
Somehow the topic of his former partners came up. Now remember, although I’m the same woman who was on my second date for that day, this was also the only second date of my entire life. I was home schooled, people. To say I was sheltered is a bit of an understatement, so to all of a sudden be listening to things I had only heard on “Loveline” with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla when the family had all gone to sleep, was jarring beyond belief.
Apparently he wasn’t getting the hint because he proceeded to lower the boom on me – the final body count.
“Eight.”
“Eight!? How old are you again?" I asked.
“23.”
Then I remember him giving me this look as if to say I could be lucky number nine. Uh, yeah, nothing I like more than STDs!
When he dropped me off all I could think was, “Please don’t touch me, please don’t touch me.” That was the last time I saw or spoke to him; although he did call and leave a couple of messages on my phone – one asking me to go to Vegas with him. Apparently his friend had a “sweet pad” with plenty of air mattresses. Score!
Alright, kids. It’s participation time! Have you ever dated a lewd Leona or Lecherous Leonard?
*For lessons one and two, see blog numero uno: Come to Jesus.
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